When anger and numbness take over
This is part three of the series Reflections on men, emotion and therapy. Many men don’t experience distress as obvious sadness or vulnerability. Instead, it shows up in different ways. This article explores what happens when feelings have nowhere to go – and why anger, irritation, frustration and withdrawal are often signals that something important needs attention, and not signs that something is “wrong” with you.
When feelings have nowhere to go
Some emotions arrive loudly. Others don’t seem to arrive at all. Many men describe long stretches of feeling flat, disconnected or strangely absent from their own lives. Others notice something sharper – irritation that flares quickly, frustration that lingers or anger that seems to come from nowhere and leave just as suddenly.
Conversations that feel too effortful. Decisions that feel impossible. A quiet pulling back from people, from energy, from engagement. Not dramatic withdrawal – just a gradual dimming.
These experiences can feel confusing, especially when life on the surface appears manageable. Work is functioning, relationships are continuing, responsibilities are being met. And yet internally, something feels blocked, pressurised or strangely distant.
Often, this isn’t because emotions are absent. It’s because they have nowhere safe to go.
Anger as protection
Anger is one of the few emotions many men have been permitted to express openly. It has energy, direction and clarity. It can act. It can move. It can defend.
But anger isn’t always “just anger”. Underneath it, there is often something more vulnerable – hurt, fear, overwhelm, shame, grief, exhaustion. Natural feelings that feel harder to name, harder to show, or harder to justify. Anger can function like armour around these experiences – protective, containing.
In this sense, anger is not a failure of emotional control. It is often an attempt at emotional survival. The problem is not that anger exists. It’s when anger becomes the only available outlet – the only channel through which pressure can escape.
Numbness as adaptation
If anger is mobilisation, numbness is more like switching things off. When feelings become too much, too constant or too difficult to make sense of, it can be easier not to feel very much at all. Things go a bit quieter inside. Emotional intensity fades into the background.
This can look like detachment, indifference or emptiness. But numbness is rarely the absence of emotion – it’s the management of emotional overload. It allows functioning to continue and life to keep moving. It protects against being overwhelmed by what cannot yet be processed.
Like anger, numbness is not a personal flaw. It is an adaptation – one that often developed for good reasons. But over time, what protects can also restrict. When emotional range narrows, so does vitality. Connection becomes harder. Meaning feels thinner. Life can start to feel muted rather than fully lived.
When the pressure builds
So anger can be seen as something that pushes outward and numbness something that pulls inward. But anger isn’t something going wrong, and numbness isn’t laziness. And neither are weaknesses.
They are often our nervous system saying: this is more than I can hold right now. Seen this way, they are information. Signals that something needs attention and perhaps support.
Listening rather than fighting
When working with my clients, I am always curious about these responses and never attempt to eliminate them. Instead, I wonder: what are the anger and numbness protecting? When do they appear and what do they make more bearable? What happens just before both appear?
These questions are not about analysing or fixing. They are about understanding the purpose within these responses – and slowly creating more room for choice and how to respond. More flexibility in how you experience yourself and relate to others.
When emotions have somewhere to land – somewhere steady, relational and unhurried, and where expectation doesn’t exist – they no longer have to force their way out through anger or disappear into numbness. They can be felt and understood, rather than getting stuck or overwhelming everything.
Not problems to remove, but signals to understand
For many men, recognising all of this can be quietly relieving – the realisation that nothing is “wrong” with you because you feel angry, flat or shut down. These are not signs of emotional failure. They are signs that something inside has been holding a lot – for a long time – without much space or support. Therapy offers a place where those signals can be listened to – carefully, gradually and without judgement.
Where this leads next…
This is the third in a series exploring the quieter, often unspoken aspects of men’s emotional lives. Next time: What changes when men are met, not managed.
If something here resonates and you’d like support, please get in touch to arrange a free 20-minute introductory call.