When body image becomes about more than your body
Body image isn’t simply about how we look. It can be shaped by old beliefs, comparison, shame and the meanings we’ve attached to our bodies over time. This article explores what might happen when we become curious about those stories rather than simply trying to change ourselves.
‘If we could just change our body…’
What if the way we see ourselves isn’t really about appearance at all? Most of us have moments when we catch sight of ourselves in a mirror, see a photograph, or try on clothes and immediately begin judging what we see.
Perhaps we wish we were thinner, or stronger, or younger, or less marked by the passing of time.
We tell ourselves that if we could just change our body, we’d finally feel more comfortable in our own skin.
But over the years, both personally and through my work as a therapist, I’ve found myself wondering whether body image is really about our bodies at all. Or whether it’s often about something much deeper: the stories we carry
When people talk about body image, the conversation often focuses on appearance: weight, shape, ageing, fitness or attractiveness.
We have learned to associate these ideas as things that 'matter'. We live in a culture that constantly reminds us what we’re supposedly meant to look like. Advertising, television, films, social media, celebrity culture – even well-meaning health messages – can all leave us feeling as though our bodies are projects needing improvement.
But other things are at play too – and many of us have been carrying ideas about our bodies for years, often decades. Perhaps someone made a passing comment when we were a child. Perhaps we were teased at school. Perhaps we compared ourselves with friends. Perhaps we learned, gradually, that looking a certain way seemed to earn approval, while looking another way attracted criticism.
Over time, these experiences can become less like memories and more like beliefs. “I’m not attractive.” “I’m the wrong shape.” “I’m not enough.”
After a while, we stop noticing these as beliefs. They simply become the way we experience ourselves.
More than appearance
One of the reasons this interests me so much is that it isn’t just something I encounter in the therapy room. It’s something I’ve had to understand in myself too. For many years, I experienced myself as “fat” and "grotesque" and it didn't matter a jot what others said or thought – because I knew the truth. Despite my life and body changing in all sorts of way over the years, old feelings and old 'truths' seemed to stick around. Over time, I’ve learned first hand that my relationship with my body isn’t simply shaped by what I see in the mirror, but by the meanings I’ve attached to ourselves over many years.
More broadly, working with clients has confirmed to me that our relationships with our bodies doesn’t always change just because our bodies change. Someone may lose weight and still feel “too big”. Someone may receive compliments yet still feel unattractive. Someone may spend years exercising, dieting or changing how they look, only to discover that the critical voice inside remains remarkably familiar.
I believe this is because body image often lives in our experience of ourselves, not simply in our appearance. Our bodies become connected to questions that have very little to do with weight or shape. Am I lovable? Do I belong? Will people reject me? Will I ever feel enough?
These are deep, human questions – and they can’t usually be answered by a mirror.
Learning to notice
One of the ideas that runs through much of my work as a therapist is awareness. 'Awareness' can sound like one of those vague words therapists are fond of using, but for me awareness simply means noticing what is already happening.
Noticing the thoughts that appear almost automatically. Noticing how we speak to ourselves. Noticing what we feel in our bodies. Noticing the beliefs we’ve stopped questioning because they’ve become so familiar. Sometimes we become so identified with the critical voice that we stop recognising it as just one part of our experience. It begins to sound like the truth. Awareness helps us notice that voice, rather than automatically believing it.
For someone struggling with body image, awareness might sound like this: “I’ve just apologised for how I look.” “I’ve spent the last ten minutes comparing myself to everyone else.” “I’ve automatically assumed they’re judging me.”“I’ve spoken to myself in a way I’d never speak to someone I love.”
To notice, we need to become curious about ourselves and what we do – internally as much as externally. Because before we can change anything, we usually need to notice it first.
A different question
I sometimes wonder whether the most helpful question isn’t: “How do I learn to love my body?” For many people, that feels impossible to answer. Perhaps another way to approach it is to begin by asking: Whose standards am I trying to meet? Whose voice am I hearing when I criticise or judge myself? What experiences shaped the way I see myself today?
These questions don’t produce instant answers. But they often open up a different kind of conversation – one that’s less about fixing ourselves and more about understanding ourselves.
You are more than your appearance
Our bodies matter. They carry us through life; they allow us to work, play, hug people we love, grieve, laugh, rest and experience the world. They deserve care. And I don’t believe our worth begins and ends with how our bodies look.
Many of the people I’ve met in therapy are carrying an enormous amount: parenting, relationships, work, caring responsibilities, illness, pain, sadness, loss, uncertainty, and much else. Yet somewhere amid all of that, another burden quietly persists: the feeling that they should look different too. That’s a heavy weight to carry.
Perhaps body image begins to shift not when we finally achieve the 'right' body, but when we start questioning the beliefs we’ve inherited about what our bodies are supposed to say about us.
Because we are always more than our appearance, and perhaps the most important relationship we ever develop isn’t with the mirror, but with ourselves.
If this has resonated with you…
If body image is something you struggle with, therapy can offer a space to explore what’s happening beneath the surface. Often the work isn’t about changing your body – it is about understanding the stories you’ve come to carry about yourself, and discovering whether they’re still serving you.
If you’re curious about working together, I’d be very happy to hear from you.. Please get in touch to arrange a free 20-minute introductory call.