Overthinking isn’t always about finding the right answer. Sometimes thinking helps us avoid uncertainty, anxiety or feelings that are harder to face. This article explores what might be happening underneath all that thinking, and how noticing what we’re actually experiencing can give us more choice.
It appears we think… a lot
I hear about overthinking a lot in my work with clients.
It can sound like going over the same conversation again and again, worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet, or trying to work out exactly what someone meant. It can be stressing whether we said the wrong thing, what we should have said instead, or what might happen if we make the wrong decision.
And then there’s that feeling that your brain simply won’t leave you alone.
You know you’re doing it – you might even tell yourself to stop. And then you think about that too.
What are we trying to work out?
One of the things I’ve noticed is that overthinking isn’t always really about finding an answer. In fact, the answer may already be there.
We know we’re unhappy in a relationship. We know we don’t want to go back to the job. We know we need to have the conversation. We know we’re hurt. And yet we keep thinking.
If we can just understand it a little better, find the missing piece, consider another possibility, replay the conversation one more time, perhaps we’ll finally feel certain enough to do something about it.
I can understand that impulse. I like things to make sense myself, and uncertainty can be uncomfortable. But thinking can also become a way of staying with something that feels safer than actually feeling it.
Thinking can be protective
This is where I think it’s worth being careful about simply telling ourselves that we need to “stop overthinking”. Because what if the thinking is actually doing something for us?
It might keep us away from anxiety, or give us a sense of control when something feels uncertain. It can also stop us having to admit that we’re hurt, angry, frightened or disappointed. And there may be something even more uncomfortable underneath it...
If I keep analysing whether my partner really meant what they said, I don’t have to fully acknowledge how much their words hurt me.
Or what about the hours I spend working out whether I should leave my job? Perhaps then I don’t have to face the fear of what might happen if I actually do.
And if I keep wondering what someone thinks of me, I can avoid the more vulnerable possibility that what I really want is for them to like me.
In other words, I tend to think that thinking isn’t necessarily the problem – it may make perfect sense when it’s trying to protect us from something.
When thinking takes us away from ourselves
There’s a point at which thinking can become quite disconnected from what is actually happening within us. We can become very good at explaining ourselves while having very little idea what we’re actually feeling.
I’ve worked with people who can give an incredibly detailed account of why they behave as they do, and what they believe is happening – and often why. They can tell me where the pattern came from, what their parents were like, what happened in a previous relationship, and exactly what they think they need to change.
And yet when I ask something as simple as, “And what are you noticing right now as you tell me this?” there can be a long pause.
That doesn’t mean the thinking wasn’t helpful – understanding ourselves matters. But there are times when we need to move from thinking about ourselves to actually noticing what’s happening within ourselves.
What is happening in my body as I talk about this? What happens inside when I say that out loud? What do I notice as I imagine telling them how I really feel? What would I rather not feel right now?
Those questions can bring our attention back to what is actually happening, rather than what we think should be happening.
The part of us that needs certainty
I also think there can be a particular kind of overthinking that comes from wanting certainty. I often hear, “If I can just work this out properly, I’ll know what to do!” And, “If I can be completely sure that I’m making the right decision, I can finally act!”
The trouble is that many of the important decisions in our lives don’t come with certainty.
We can’t know exactly how someone will respond when we tell them how we feel, or whether a new job will work out. In the same way, we can’t know whether leaving something familiar will ultimately make us happier. We have to make a choice while still feeling unsure – and that can be frightening.
So what might help?
I’m not sure the answer is to “think less”. Often, thinking is not only useful but essential when we genuinely need to consider something carefully. And there are things we need to understand before we can decide what to do next.
What I’d suggest is asking yourself, “Is my thinking helping me move towards something, or is it keeping me safely away from something?”
You might notice that you’re thinking about having a difficult conversation or making a difficult decision for the twentieth time. At some point, another analysis of how it might go probably isn’t going to tell you much more. It might be more useful to notice what happens inside you when you imagine actually having it.
Fear? Anger? Sadness? A mix of each? A tightening in your stomach? An urge to change the subject? A part of you saying,” absolutely not!”?
Whatever you notice is rich information. And that may be where the work begins.
You don’t have to get out of your head
I don’t think we need to become people who never overthink. That probably isn’t possible for starters, and I’m not convinced it would even be desirable. Our minds are trying to help us.
But they can also work incredibly hard to protect us from experiences that we might actually need to have.
So rather than asking, “How do I stop overthinking?”, it might be worth asking, “What happens if, for a moment, I stop trying to work this out and notice what’s actually happening here?”
There may be something underneath all that thinking that you’ve been trying very hard not to notice. And you may find that once you do, you have a little more choice about what happens next.
If you enjoyed reading this…
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